Friday, February 27, 2009 . 8:27 PM

moving house.

new blog at wordpress because i wanted a fresh look.

http://lessemotion.wordpress.com/

自分が嫌なんだ。。。

。。。と時々そう思うんだ。自分はきっと酷い人でしょう。だって、自分の大切な友達は彼ができたのに、私には言わなかった。。。ちょっとだけ傷ついた。。。
まあ～彼女が日本語が分からなくてよかったな。私に言えなかったのは私が頼りないでしょう。私って酷い人でしょう。友達が悩んでいるのを気が付かなくて、本当に最低な人間だ。

ちょっとうらやましいかも。。。でもちゃんと彼女に「おめでとう」と言いたいんだ。だって、彼は悪い人ではない。むしろ、ユーモアがあって、優しい人だそうだから、本当に「よかったなぁ」と思うの。傷ついたのはきっと私一人だけだから、彼女は彼と幸せになれたら、いいです。だって、私が無神経な人だったから、あの子を傷ついたかも。誰がに告白されたのはきっとわくわくな事なのに、彼女は私に相談してくれなくて、私が無神経な人のせいだろう。私が頼りない人だと思ったからだろう。

昔の親友もそうだった。ある人に告白されて、「あの人を断わりするつもりだ」と私に言ったのに、一週間ぐらい後彼の恋人になった。裏切りだと思わないけど、ちょっと傷ついた。彼女に言えなかったけど、ちょっと傷ついた。私は頼りない人だね。だから私に何もいわなかった。私は酷い人だろうね。あなた達の邪魔だよね。私がいないほうがいいよね。

そう言えば、ちょっと記録したい事があった。弟に感謝したい。私の好いところを見つけてくれてありがとう。君には知らなかっただろうが、実は私いつも自信がないんだ。好いところがあるかどうか時々悩んでいたんだ。私のいいところを見つけてくれて、どんなに嬉しかったか本当に言いたかったけど、どうやって言えばいいのが分からなかった。それとも、言えなかったかも。

ああ。。。また自分ばかり考えていたんだ。それはいけない。宿題でもしようか。宿題をしているなら、他の事が考えられない。つまらない事なんか考えない。

Wednesday, February 25, 2009 . 11:12 PM

*waku waku*

I forced myself to not think about the shortlist results for oosaka summer program coming out tomorrow by thinking about the horrible twopapers-twogroupprojects-onegrouppaper-twopresentations that I have this semester and panicking about that because I haven't started on most of them.

So yeah. Productivity out of unproductivity.

For the people who knew that I was going crazy over the game "My tribe" (only one, as far as I know), it's getting boring coz I have more interesting things taking up my time. So yeah, the villagers are standing stock still in virtual reality waiting for their "god" to return. hur hur.

Which reminds me of the 5-pager that I vomitted out from my system. The only good that did was that it made me panic more about my twopapers-twogroupprojects-onegrouppaper-twopresentations that I still haven't done anything for.

Not to mention the japanese 4 test I have coming up.

and japanese 4 blog due friday.

crap.

and that ice cream company still refuses to reply me. T.T

Saturday, November 22, 2008 . 11:33 AM

Japan Exchange and Teaching (JET) Programme

JET

For some strange reason, after I told my bro that I won't ever consider living and working in Japan, I find myself thinking, "Why not?"

Hur hur.

Against:
1) I'll be leaving my friends and family in Singapore. Especially my mum.
2) I'll be in a potentially cold country. (and I'm seriously bad with cold weather.)
3) It'll only be after I graduate. Which means 2011. That's so far off. >.<
4) It's only a one-year contract. Though it's possible to extend the contract twice. Maximum 3 years.

For:
1) It's a chance to get to know Japan better and whether it's actually plausible to live and work there.
2) I get to see sensei and practice buyo~~ when I'm not working or attending classes, of course.
3) I get to explore Japan to my heart's satisfaction - or as long as my pocket holds out. hur hur.
4) I get to explore the possibility of working as a translator in Japan - which is my main purpose, of course.

So yeah. I'm caught between the 2. Not that I have to worry about it now. The earliest date when I can apply is... November 2010? Which means that (if successful) I get to go in August 2011. Right after I graduate. Hur hur.

Oh, and fleas, here's your ticket to Japan and sensei. XD

Monday, October 27, 2008 . 11:05 PM

もと彼のこと

今はあいつが嫌い。あいつに話したくない。でも、人として、人間として、あいつが嫌いでも、あいつが私に声をかけると、答えなければならない。それでも、好きじゃない。寧ろ、嫌い。あいつと話すのは嫌い。でも、選ぶ選択はない。だから、がまんしかできない。

あいつが嫌い。あいつが日本語が分からなくてよかった。ずっと胸に閉まっている言葉はやっと話せる。あいつには分かってもらって欲しくない。あいつに会いたくない。どうしてそんなに時間が過ごしても、私がこんなに強い気持ちを持っているのは自分も分からないけど、ただあいつには私の世界に入れたくない。わたしの世界を出なさい。

こんなことが分かってくれる人に、私の事を心配しないで。私は我がままです。この世界一番会いたくない人に会いて、話すと、機嫌が悪くなるの。ただそれでけ。私の我がままを許してくれ。

Sunday, August 24, 2008 . 7:19 PM

Rest Day.

It is only during the hectic school term that we appreciate rest days the most~~

I went for a dsylexia awareness talk yesterday with HM and Tess, and though it was quite inspiring (it reminded me of the time when I was volunteering with CDAC and later with CSC at the SSC), there were also parents who reminded me of the ugliness of the Singaporean heart.

In this day and time, we all strive very hard to make ends meet, and when ends do meet, we strive for a better life, an easier life, where we don't have to worry about the lack of money. Yet, perhaps it's because that we strive so very hard, seemingly on our own, that we neglect the people around us who have helped us, even if it had just been a word or two, a hundred dollars or two. The people who had "woken" us at the crucial period, the words that have motivated us when we were down, the hundred dollars aid that helped tide over the bills for the month. All these small little things that we overlook so very easily makes me wonder at the smallness of the Singaporean heart, the human heart itself.

It is at times like this that I look at my own heart and I wonder how I can live each day, day to day, thinking of how I'm going to finish my readings and when I've to finish yet another report, and ignore all the supportive words and presences of the people around me, especially my family. In my narrow-minded search of self-centered amusement and entertainment, could I have been neglecting the people around me? Have I properly replied to that supportive presence that allowed me to climb out of my depression? Have I properly acknowledge that hand that led me out of the tunnel of darkness and into the light?

Sigh.

Just a few days ago, I received an invitation to the online book launch party of the anthology which I had been a part of a few years ago. Reality and lack of interest made me neglect the forum, which resulted in my overlooking one of the more crucial posts by the organizer of the anthology. Hearing about the book launch now made me think just a little wistfully, that "Ah, that could have been me". But after thinking about it for a few days, it suddenly struck me that though I still enjoy fantasy books, I no longer have the passion for it. Yes, the stories (especially by my favourite author, David Eddings) are still interesting and attention-grabbing. However, I no longer have the passion to write. It's as if reality is calling me. It's saying: Pay attention to the people screaming for help~~ The satisfaction I derive from seeing a smile on someone's face, knowing that I helped created that smile, far outweighs the pleasure of arranging words on paper (or on computer) into stories.

I suppose this is what they meant when they say "people change with time".

Wednesday, August 13, 2008 . 12:07 AM

Tired.

Even though it's the second day of school. Sigh.

Went for the level 3 EL module, psycholinguistics, today, and I discovered how "stupid" I was. Not in the "stupid-I-can't-study" stupid, but in the "I'm-not-using-my-brain-to-its fullest-extent" stupid. Haha. Anyways, the lecturer was really cute and cool and professional and knows lots of psych-y stuff and makes me want to pick up psychology all over again.

I suppose it wasn't a bad decision to major in EL after all. At least I get to touch a bit of psychology, as opposed to if I had majored in something else. There's also a chapter on child language. XD *waku*waku* Can't wait.

I've decided to be a good student this semester, and I'm going to revise each lecture on the day it's held. Let's see how long I can keep it up before I'm overwhelmed.

A challenge to myself, I suppose.

Not to mention the random other stuff I have to do, like teach tuition, do buyo stuff, do scanlation stuff, etc.

Yup. Not a boring life at all.

Friday, August 08, 2008 . 10:21 PM

School is starting again~~

~~ and I'm still staring at the scanlations. ^^;; I'm trying to get as much done as possible in order to release two chapters of HS on monday, but I'm starting to wonder if that's even possible.

Met up with jouta today, got my present (from aya-kun), accompanied him for lunch and walked him to the mrt station. But he decided (when, I wonder?) to stalk me, so I ended up inviting him to my house. hur hur. Well, he's a nice boy who sat doing his homework. ^^;; Found it a bit weird though. No offence, jouta, but my friends usually come over to play, not to do work, that's why. ^^ He also gave me volume 9 of Gakuen Alice. I wonder why.

My life is kind of in hiatus right now. Everything is waiting for school to reopen. It's as if my time has been paused, and it's waiting for monday to come along and press the "play" button. >.< I don't know how to prepare for the new semester, so the only thing I can do now is to translate and edit more manga.

hur hur. What an interesting life.